Jokes

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first says, “I like accountants on my operating table. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second replies, “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded.”

The third says, “No, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth chimes in, “I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

The fifth surgeon shuts them all up: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. There are only two moving parts—the mouth and the asshole—and they’re interchangeable.”

I had a tree I wanted removed because it was too close to the house.
I called a tree guy. He came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He asked me what I thought. I said, "It's nice, but what about the stump?" He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, if I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy.
I found a highly recommend stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, "There you go." I asked him about the hole. He says, "I'm a stump guy and just remove stumps. I don't fill in the holes." He told me I would need to call a landscaper.
I get ahold of a landscaper and I tell him, "I'm fixing to leave town on a trip. I don't care what you do, just fix the hole and make it look nice."
I got back today and found out he planted a friggin tree.

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, she called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

A fresh co-pilot is flying with a seasoned airline captain.
The captain says to the co-pilot, I want to test how well you know the plane. I'm going to go to the lavatory for a number two, says the captain. And when I come back, I want you to tell me whether the airplane is lighter after I've relieved myself.
The captain went to do his business and when he comes back, he goes to the co-pilot.
So son, is the aircraft any lighter now?
The co-pilot answers eagerly, wanting to impress the captain.
No, sir, our aircraft does not release lavatory waste during the flight. It's securely stored in an onboard septic tank and when the airplane lands, it is flushed by the maintenance crew. Therefore, as a closed system, the weight of the aircraft remains the same before and after you relieved yourself.
The pilot replies, all you think about is shit, son. The airplane's lighter now because I've been away for 15 minutes and we used up to 200 gallons of jet fuel during this time, you idiot.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”, he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest: “Forgive me father for I have sinned”. “What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.

“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.

“But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.

“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.

“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.

“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.

“So what should I do father?” the man asked.

“Well” answered the priest, “you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”

A huge guy walks into a bar, spots a little guy, and suddenly karate chops him in the back.

When the little guy struggles to his feet, the big guy grins and says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”

A while later, the huge guy comes back and does it again.

“That one was a karate chop from China,” he boasts.

The little guy quietly leaves the bar. A few minutes later, he returns and smacks the huge guy hard across the back.

The big guy drops unconscious to the floor.

As the little guy heads for the door, he tells the bartender, “When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Walmart.”

Boudreaux took "Tee" Boudreaux fishing on the lake for the first time a couple of weeks ago. After a while, "Tee" started asking his daddy some questions.
"Daddy, what makes da boat float?"
Boudreaux replies, "Mais, I don't really know, son."
A few minutes later "Tee" asks, "Daddy, how do da fishes breath under da water?"
Boud replies, "Mais, I don't really know, son."
A little while later, another question, "Daddy, why is da sky blue?"
Same answer, "Mais, I don't really know, son."
"Tee" says, "Daddy, I sure hopes you don't mind me axing all dem questions."
Boudreaux tells him, "Mais no, cher. If you don't ax questions, you never gonna learn anyting?"

My Friend Suspected That Her Husband Was Cheating On Her. She Decided To Go Through His Phone One Day, And She Found Three Contacts That Were Suspicious. The First Contact That She Found Was Saved As, “The Tender One.” She Called The Number, And Luckily That Was His Mother. The Second Contact She Found Was Saved As, “The Amazon One.” She Called That Number Too, And His Sister Picked Up The Phone. At That Point My Friend Felt Relieved. She Had A Smile On Her Face, But There Was One More Contact She Found Suspicious. The Number Was Saved As, “The Lady Of My Dreams.” And Of Course She Called That Number And Her Cellphone Started Ringing. After She Found Out That Her Husband Wasn’t Cheating On Her, She Started Crying. She Was So Upset Because She Doubted Her Innocent Husband. So As Soon As She Got Paid From Her Job. She Gave Her Whole Check To Her Husband To Make Up For Accusing Him And Going Through His Phone. And It Was A Really Big Check. Her Husband Took The Money And Bought A Gift For His Girlfriend. Her Phone Number Was Saved As, “Ben The Mechanic.”

An elderly woman approaches the counter at a hamburger stand.
She tells the counterperson, "I want a plain hamburger, that's it, just a burger."
Calling out, “One plain, order up!" the counterperson takes her money.
Looking behind the counter into the kitchen, she sees a very large and dirty man take a handful of hamburger from a bowl, roll it into a ball, and placing it under his arm, squeeze it into a patty.
"Oh my God, that's disgusting!" she shouts.
The counterperson replies, "That's nothing, you should have seen him making donuts this morning!"